Eminem - Not Afraid

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

the life???? what are we doing is this us..... im happy i tell myself i am. i or is it just the ones around me who tell me im not..... who tell me im hurting myself... no this is me.............

water..................

working at a toy store the biggest chain in canada is a huge work out this time of year... no need for the gym after work... all you do is jog around the store getting customers toys or putting away stuff... ok the lowest my weight was today 137 i think the drop was water weight fingers crossed!!!

stuck

im stil stuck at 138 its like that number that just wont disappear its killing me... the anxiety is driving me nuts, all i do is think about food, water weight, food, dont eat, or mayber  should i eat then purge, eg grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. stop just let me drop to 187 please!

Akon - Lonely

for all my ana, bella, eddy, mates out there :)

New week new reality

so my parents are back from palm springs they got a little retirement trailer in an retirment complex there, they are probably the youngest couple to own a place there. as much as i hate my mom im glad in some aspect that they are back, i thought it would be nice that they were away, but i got 2 sisters i live with and the younger one is just like my mother, i hate her so much... as a matter of fact shes a finalist for miss teen Canada in the BC, area, if she gets to the finals i hope to God that she doesnt get the crown cause it'll only prove that beauty queens are self centered, selfish, demanding, controlling little "cunts" yes exuse my language but you wont believe how this little bitch treats me.. hey aren't you suppose respect your elders?  she yells at me or questions me for small things like why are you down stairs and your bedroom lights on? simply its not her problem and if shes noticed its not like ive left my room for 30 mins... maybe 5 to get water or grab something ... seriously screw off!!!
my weight is still the same around 138.4bla grrrrrrrrr ok i was really bad yesterday but well at least i know itll get better my parents dont let my bindge and purge as much.....
its not like i need a babysitter either....
dont get me wrong i hate it and like doing it.... sometimes i just need it to release my stress.
St. pauls hospital called me back the other day... they want me to come for in patient treatment and 4northwest  eating disorders program... i was on a waiting list cause my family practically forced me to go it...
frankly theonly reason i wanted to go back for help was to help get off the laxatives but all the hospital did was screw me up more with a different product!!!
i'm not telling my parents about the admission itll probably be in late february or march, nothing i want to think about now. plus they will try to black mail me if i disapear and dont go.
why would it matter right now anyways? my parents gave me notice of iviction... i dont get along with the family the say i dont want treatment to get better to i have to leave... well i want to leave!!! i dont want to live with my mom or little sister anymoire it's like living with the devil...

Everclear - Wonderful

I hate today hate, yesterday hate tomorrow

ysterday i weighed myself in the morning it was ok i was happy with the results 138,4lbs.... im not happy today tho i didnt stick right to the diet plan i must have been dehydrated to yesterday... i know that was all water loss weight and i agained theweight bavck today....   fuck bella why did you make such stupid choices why why why?????
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr crack down big time today!!!! diet diet diet, gym gym gym. work work work.... scared to see my weight probably back at 140lbs :(
this song is for you bella, ana, and eddy
 akon :be together
 click the link everyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyw8Y_fQxtI

The bloated titanic

today i felt like i was walking around like the Titanic a bloated ship just waiting to sink cause im so fat.... i stepped on the scale again this morning, lost almost 1lbs since yesterday.... woke up first thing went to the gym, was tired but still went.... FINALLY bought my milk of magnesia laxative... drank a bunch now have been running to the bathroom constantly ... well at least i dont feel stuck anymore...huh
this never ends this is me, me and my bella

keep it going

went to the gym yesterday started doing cardio and weights again, i finally gave in last night and bindged and purdged, although im really happy no night eating syndrom last night, done good so far today went to the gym this morning, headed to the chiropractor then back to the gym to finish my work out.... havent bindged or purdged yet.... running out of my paglak and have no more milk of magnesia. grrrrrr feel bloated already....
happy when i woke up i weighed myself 141.2 lbs... so down about 2 lbs from 2 days ago.. crossing my fingers it not water weight :(

only ate 2 chips, a small date square (gross i know i shouldnt have the sweets) and part of a granola bar, my sugar level went low tho so thats why i did it.  had coffee to drink..

grrrrrrr

i selpt walked and ate again last night aka night eating syndrom, woke up purged as much as i could then told myself i was going to fast with liquids all day unless my sugar level went low... please GOD DONT LET IT GO LOW! FUCK I HATE MYSELF FATTER EVERYDAY

i promise iwont step on the scale 100 times today, i wont step on it again util tomorrow