Eminem - Not Afraid

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

the life???? what are we doing is this us..... im happy i tell myself i am. i or is it just the ones around me who tell me im not..... who tell me im hurting myself... no this is me.............

water..................

working at a toy store the biggest chain in canada is a huge work out this time of year... no need for the gym after work... all you do is jog around the store getting customers toys or putting away stuff... ok the lowest my weight was today 137 i think the drop was water weight fingers crossed!!!

stuck

im stil stuck at 138 its like that number that just wont disappear its killing me... the anxiety is driving me nuts, all i do is think about food, water weight, food, dont eat, or mayber  should i eat then purge, eg grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. stop just let me drop to 187 please!

Akon - Lonely

for all my ana, bella, eddy, mates out there :)

New week new reality

so my parents are back from palm springs they got a little retirement trailer in an retirment complex there, they are probably the youngest couple to own a place there. as much as i hate my mom im glad in some aspect that they are back, i thought it would be nice that they were away, but i got 2 sisters i live with and the younger one is just like my mother, i hate her so much... as a matter of fact shes a finalist for miss teen Canada in the BC, area, if she gets to the finals i hope to God that she doesnt get the crown cause it'll only prove that beauty queens are self centered, selfish, demanding, controlling little "cunts" yes exuse my language but you wont believe how this little bitch treats me.. hey aren't you suppose respect your elders?  she yells at me or questions me for small things like why are you down stairs and your bedroom lights on? simply its not her problem and if shes noticed its not like ive left my room for 30 mins... maybe 5 to get water or grab something ... seriously screw off!!!
my weight is still the same around 138.4bla grrrrrrrrr ok i was really bad yesterday but well at least i know itll get better my parents dont let my bindge and purge as much.....
its not like i need a babysitter either....
dont get me wrong i hate it and like doing it.... sometimes i just need it to release my stress.
St. pauls hospital called me back the other day... they want me to come for in patient treatment and 4northwest  eating disorders program... i was on a waiting list cause my family practically forced me to go it...
frankly theonly reason i wanted to go back for help was to help get off the laxatives but all the hospital did was screw me up more with a different product!!!
i'm not telling my parents about the admission itll probably be in late february or march, nothing i want to think about now. plus they will try to black mail me if i disapear and dont go.
why would it matter right now anyways? my parents gave me notice of iviction... i dont get along with the family the say i dont want treatment to get better to i have to leave... well i want to leave!!! i dont want to live with my mom or little sister anymoire it's like living with the devil...

Everclear - Wonderful

I hate today hate, yesterday hate tomorrow

ysterday i weighed myself in the morning it was ok i was happy with the results 138,4lbs.... im not happy today tho i didnt stick right to the diet plan i must have been dehydrated to yesterday... i know that was all water loss weight and i agained theweight bavck today....   fuck bella why did you make such stupid choices why why why?????
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr crack down big time today!!!! diet diet diet, gym gym gym. work work work.... scared to see my weight probably back at 140lbs :(
this song is for you bella, ana, and eddy
 akon :be together
 click the link everyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyw8Y_fQxtI

The bloated titanic

today i felt like i was walking around like the Titanic a bloated ship just waiting to sink cause im so fat.... i stepped on the scale again this morning, lost almost 1lbs since yesterday.... woke up first thing went to the gym, was tired but still went.... FINALLY bought my milk of magnesia laxative... drank a bunch now have been running to the bathroom constantly ... well at least i dont feel stuck anymore...huh
this never ends this is me, me and my bella

keep it going

went to the gym yesterday started doing cardio and weights again, i finally gave in last night and bindged and purdged, although im really happy no night eating syndrom last night, done good so far today went to the gym this morning, headed to the chiropractor then back to the gym to finish my work out.... havent bindged or purdged yet.... running out of my paglak and have no more milk of magnesia. grrrrrr feel bloated already....
happy when i woke up i weighed myself 141.2 lbs... so down about 2 lbs from 2 days ago.. crossing my fingers it not water weight :(

only ate 2 chips, a small date square (gross i know i shouldnt have the sweets) and part of a granola bar, my sugar level went low tho so thats why i did it.  had coffee to drink..

grrrrrrr

i selpt walked and ate again last night aka night eating syndrom, woke up purged as much as i could then told myself i was going to fast with liquids all day unless my sugar level went low... please GOD DONT LET IT GO LOW! FUCK I HATE MYSELF FATTER EVERYDAY

i promise iwont step on the scale 100 times today, i wont step on it again util tomorrow

You tell yourself your not going to do it but you still do it

I want to be skinny i have my goal i dont want to eat shit like kfc, and then purge it up, sure it taste good, sure im still purging,,,  wtf people say eat healthy theres no such thing as that in my world its not possible, i said i wasnt going to eat today i have a goal i want that goali need to shrink my stomach, but everytime i even drink im hungry all over again, fuck its not like before when i just wasnt hungry......well at least all i bingded and purge today was one huge meal put together, green pepper, salad, zucchini, with a tab or cheese, 2 pieces of toast and perogies............ purged until i saw the salad and the zucchini in the toilet...

My Life with eddy & bella where its started where its now and what i want it to be

I've had Eddy sincei was 12 years old ( eating disorder) what kind you ask me? i've had many over eater, binge eater ( huge binge and purger), night eating syndrome, bulemia, my one goal i want to be skinny.... i love food... or is it that food has become a habit? My crack? No i always loved food but how was i suppose to do that and be skinny or get skinny...
I have two sisters, one older one younger im the middle one growing up they were both thinner then me, when i was 7 years old i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, my parents tried to control all the food and everything i had from then on.  I went to a private Christain elementary school, there were few people in my school i was a strong willed person my mood swings would go up and down depending on my sugar level. I bet that scared a lot of kids.  so to be honest i really had no friends. i was mostly left along on most days at reses or lunch break.
i guess because i wasnt aloud to have sweet food or control my food intake (my parents messured everything and were extreme harsh at punishment! (i remember in grade 7 i got wipped with the belt 7 times for telling my teachers assistant i didnt like her cause she was to nice).... the only time i was aloud to eat unhealthy food was if my sugar level went to low only then could i have what ws considered a treat...but think about that now, what an unhealthy way to treat a child!
thats when i started overdosing myself with insulin to purposly make my sugar levels go low, so i could eat what i wanted..... i was lucky and my grandma (who i loved so much) lived right beside my elementary school. if my sugar level went low the teachers would just let me spend the rest of the day at her house.... grandma was always great let me watch whatever tv i wanted and fed me food to if i want... the good stuff, chips etc.....

From elementary school to high school i became so addictted to food.... my bossession to want to lose weight started in grade 6 probably the time i started eating.... it was like my brain would think one thing by the end of the day it said FUCK EAT WHAT YOU WANT!!! so i did, and that how i started to gain weight.
in grade 8 i met another girl who was a diabetic she told me that you could sorta manipulate your diabetes to lose weight or at least to maintain... 'how i ask',  what she told me was the start that turned my world upside down
'as long as your sugar level is really really high you can eat what you want and your body will pee out all the sugar calories,' to this day it has helped me up and down i've believed i've consumed more calories then i should have and not packed on as many pounds......
Let me remind you that being high with sugar levels isnt fun either, makes you feel sick tired, dehydrated, and pee a lot not to mention over time all the damage it will do to your organs! But you think i cared no as long as i was able to feel good.
in high school i started living on my own after many family issues,  i was at my heaviest wight in high school 195lbs was the highest i went.  i always wanted to try new diets but i also found it hard sometimes cause i didnt know how to control my diabetes proper... i took diet pills and became addicted to laxatives.
i got really bored when i was all on my own so i would eat i would eat when i was bored not just cause i was hungry..... but how was i suppose to eat and be thin i thought and look at me i had now gotten myself up to my heaviest weight ever!!! thats when i started the bindging and purging, the Bella  aka bulemia.
 most of the time i found that, that just sorta maintained my weight, pending what i ate or bindge & purged on my weight would go up and down......
the only real way for me to lose weight was plain and simple!!!!
i would have to starve myself!!! thats so thats what i started to do, but i found i was only able to go for not that long... a week maybe at a time and yes i would lose weight, maybe 10 lbs
my bindging problem became worse at night, thats when i developed another eating disorder called night eating syndrome, it also helped or i warpped in my head mentally it was a good thing cause i thought.... as long as you eat more at night and your sugar level is high when you sleep, you wont feel being high in your sleep as bad.... but remember being high makes you go to the bathroom.  so i would wake up at night to pee then want to eat something... i then started a viciouse cycle of sleeping waking up pee then eating and going back to bed....i did this so often that half the time i wouldnt even know what i ate, i would just find crumbs in my bed..... to this day if i take a nap the first thing that comes to my mind when i wake up is go eat food.....
i hate myself for this, i wish i could change it, although some nights its come in handy before going to bed comfort yourself with food now i just cant stand myself either cause i cant seem to stop this cycle.


This is just a quisck little um up of the past 12 years...

the lowest weight i've ever gotten for myself was 127lbs, this past summer,  let me tell you i am a Pro Anna person although i am also a one who respects those who want to get treatment,  what i dont like hearing is people telling others they have to get treatment or else, stop encouraging people to get help or treatment, if they want it they will get it...... as much as i love bindging and purging i FUCKing hate it as well i hate my life cause of it.  All i want is to be skinny but all i think about is food its a sick battle in your brain.  Foods your best friend but i got one goal....

right now i'm sickened with myself, i've gained weight i've been eating a bunch of shit my brains been playing games eat food dont worry youll somehow stay thin but thats not the case..... eat food for comfort...... you fucking idiot who do you think you are.... i'm all the way back up to 143lbs...

Now i'm on my diet pills and i got my thinspo inspirations.... thats it i want to get back to my normal weight,
and lose more, more more more, yes the truth is its never enough,
 so here i go back on the diet plan
only sugar free liquids and coffee and tea to drink,
ONLY if my sugar level goes lower can i then have something to push my blood sugar up to normal,

Angelina Jolie how you looked like in the movie Salt, was what i wanted to look like this Christmas,
Fuck im starting my goal to late.
ew this was me when i looked into the mirror today, my stomach is fucked up and bloated from the past laxative abuse i did, i was forced by the doctor and my family to get off of them or i would need a bag eventually, i think the new stuff has screw my bowels even more..... wait a min look at the picture again.. nope maybe its part time of the month bloating to but Bella face it your fat again.... thinspo thats all you need!