I have two sisters, one older one younger im the middle one growing up they were both thinner then me, when i was 7 years old i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, my parents tried to control all the food and everything i had from then on. I went to a private Christain elementary school, there were few people in my school i was a strong willed person my mood swings would go up and down depending on my sugar level. I bet that scared a lot of kids. so to be honest i really had no friends. i was mostly left along on most days at reses or lunch break.
i guess because i wasnt aloud to have sweet food or control my food intake (my parents messured everything and were extreme harsh at punishment! (i remember in grade 7 i got wipped with the belt 7 times for telling my teachers assistant i didnt like her cause she was to nice).... the only time i was aloud to eat unhealthy food was if my sugar level went to low only then could i have what ws considered a treat...but think about that now, what an unhealthy way to treat a child!
thats when i started overdosing myself with insulin to purposly make my sugar levels go low, so i could eat what i wanted..... i was lucky and my grandma (who i loved so much) lived right beside my elementary school. if my sugar level went low the teachers would just let me spend the rest of the day at her house.... grandma was always great let me watch whatever tv i wanted and fed me food to if i want... the good stuff, chips etc.....
From elementary school to high school i became so addictted to food.... my bossession to want to lose weight started in grade 6 probably the time i started eating.... it was like my brain would think one thing by the end of the day it said FUCK EAT WHAT YOU WANT!!! so i did, and that how i started to gain weight.
in grade 8 i met another girl who was a diabetic she told me that you could sorta manipulate your diabetes to lose weight or at least to maintain... 'how i ask', what she told me was the start that turned my world upside down
'as long as your sugar level is really really high you can eat what you want and your body will pee out all the sugar calories,' to this day it has helped me up and down i've believed i've consumed more calories then i should have and not packed on as many pounds......
Let me remind you that being high with sugar levels isnt fun either, makes you feel sick tired, dehydrated, and pee a lot not to mention over time all the damage it will do to your organs! But you think i cared no as long as i was able to feel good.
in high school i started living on my own after many family issues, i was at my heaviest wight in high school 195lbs was the highest i went. i always wanted to try new diets but i also found it hard sometimes cause i didnt know how to control my diabetes proper... i took diet pills and became addicted to laxatives.
i got really bored when i was all on my own so i would eat i would eat when i was bored not just cause i was hungry..... but how was i suppose to eat and be thin i thought and look at me i had now gotten myself up to my heaviest weight ever!!! thats when i started the bindging and purging, the Bella aka bulemia.
most of the time i found that, that just sorta maintained my weight, pending what i ate or bindge & purged on my weight would go up and down......
the only real way for me to lose weight was plain and simple!!!!
i would have to starve myself!!! thats so thats what i started to do, but i found i was only able to go for not that long... a week maybe at a time and yes i would lose weight, maybe 10 lbs
my bindging problem became worse at night, thats when i developed another eating disorder called night eating syndrome, it also helped or i warpped in my head mentally it was a good thing cause i thought.... as long as you eat more at night and your sugar level is high when you sleep, you wont feel being high in your sleep as bad.... but remember being high makes you go to the bathroom. so i would wake up at night to pee then want to eat something... i then started a viciouse cycle of sleeping waking up pee then eating and going back to bed....i did this so often that half the time i wouldnt even know what i ate, i would just find crumbs in my bed..... to this day if i take a nap the first thing that comes to my mind when i wake up is go eat food.....
i hate myself for this, i wish i could change it, although some nights its come in handy before going to bed comfort yourself with food now i just cant stand myself either cause i cant seem to stop this cycle.
This is just a quisck little um up of the past 12 years...
the lowest weight i've ever gotten for myself was 127lbs, this past summer, let me tell you i am a Pro Anna person although i am also a one who respects those who want to get treatment, what i dont like hearing is people telling others they have to get treatment or else, stop encouraging people to get help or treatment, if they want it they will get it...... as much as i love bindging and purging i FUCKing hate it as well i hate my life cause of it. All i want is to be skinny but all i think about is food its a sick battle in your brain. Foods your best friend but i got one goal....
right now i'm sickened with myself, i've gained weight i've been eating a bunch of shit my brains been playing games eat food dont worry youll somehow stay thin but thats not the case..... eat food for comfort...... you fucking idiot who do you think you are.... i'm all the way back up to 143lbs...
Now i'm on my diet pills and i got my thinspo inspirations.... thats it i want to get back to my normal weight,
and lose more, more more more, yes the truth is its never enough,
so here i go back on the diet plan
only sugar free liquids and coffee and tea to drink,
ONLY if my sugar level goes lower can i then have something to push my blood sugar up to normal,
Angelina Jolie how you looked like in the movie Salt, was what i wanted to look like this Christmas,
Fuck im starting my goal to late.
ew this was me when i looked into the mirror today, my stomach is fucked up and bloated from the past laxative abuse i did, i was forced by the doctor and my family to get off of them or i would need a bag eventually, i think the new stuff has screw my bowels even more..... wait a min look at the picture again.. nope maybe its part time of the month bloating to but Bella face it your fat again.... thinspo thats all you need!
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